Them’s Fightin’ Words

I have long had a deep-seated motivation to weaponize myself. I remember once creating a list of goals and hastily scrawling along the top: Weaponize Myself. I believed that this declaration would somehow resolve my other aspirations. My goal was not to reach a place of balance within myself. I never considered looking inward or seeking alternate perspectives or gaining stronger relationships. No, it was much simpler. To become powerful, I must become a weapon.

Though I have long been somewhat of a pacifist, I simply assimilated this odd pattern into the mental box labeled “Dichotomy: Subset – Contradiction” and filed it away so it would stop pestering me with its glaring yet unexplored flaws.

With the mental process unchecked and neatly filed, it gave me no more pause than a leaf crunching underfoot. I do not know how long I felt this cognitive dissonance and ignored it; nor do I know how many other disharmonious chords lie beneath the surface, waiting to be disturbed with the flippant clang of a passing comment.

I’ve long battled with this notion that the very basis of my mindset is militaristic. Indeed, even as I write this, the militaristic connotations organically arise. I’ve battled with a notion. Wrestled with my mind. Pitted one force against another in an attempt to have one triumphant thought that now becomes the hegemony that rules all subsequent thought.

How can peace exist with such a battlefield for a home? Am I not robbing myself of the ability to be a truly peaceful force when my idea of being peaceful is to be a force?

Somehow, I feel I need a perspective I’ve not come to see. A tranquility that can only exist in a language that was built from a culture that did not revolve around such conquest.

Until then, I will continue to struggle with the mentality that I struggle with a mentality.

Originally Written November 2014

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Interested in many things, but nothing captivates more than technology, entrepreneurship, futurism, and humanity's quest to problem-solve.